My Battle with Depression

Today I share something very personal with you. My hope by doing so, is that if any of you are dealing with, or have dealt with depression, you will know you are not alone.

I was asked to sing in church at the end of July, so I decided to go on our church web sight to look through the hymns. When the homepage came up, there was a Mormon Message posted, called "Like A Broken Vessel" with a picture of Elder Jeffery R. Holland, a leader in our church. Not long ago, his talk from our churches General Conference, with the same title, helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. As I watched this video, tears filled my eyes and inspired me to share my story with you.

I am usually positive and driven. I try to be a friend to everyone and help others feel comfortable. Yes, my life can be nuts, just like everyone else's but I know what needs to be done and I just do it. I love to have fun and spend time with my family and friends. I am usually outgoing and the one to reach out to others and to try to help anyone who might need me. I don't like to ask for help and I usually stuff my feelings rather than admit there is a problem. So when a bout of major depression hit me last year, my life suddenly felt like it was spiraling out of control.

Fall is always a crazy time for our family. Harvest starts and Matt gets so busy trying to provide for all of us. He harvests prunes and walnuts and cuts rice the whole month of October. We have football, back to school stuff and it feels like, a million things going on. Matt is a rock star dad but during the summer and fall he can't help as much. It's totally understandable. I get more stressed during this time of year than any other time. The last 7 years have always been that way but this last fall, things were different.
It wasn't the normal "harvest widow" stress either. I started feeling like I was sinking and like I wasn't okay. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My self esteem was gone and a dark cloud started to consume me. I felt scared and hopeless.

I have always taken care of family, they are my everything. My husband needed me, my kids needed me. I didn't have time to feel like not getting out of bed but I just couldn't shake whatever it was that was pulling me down. I didn't want to eat. My appetite was completely gone. I tried to force myself to eat because I knew I needed strength to take care of my family. They began to notice that I barely touched my food at dinner. I worried about my girls seeing that example and how it might effect them. I wasn't on a diet or trying to lose weight but they didn't understand why mom wasn't eating. So I tried to fake it the best I could.

My body hurt. I felt weak and so tired all the time. There were so many days that the minute I got the kids to school, I would climb back into bed until it was time to pick them up again. At the last possible minute, I would shower and put my make up on just like everything was fine. They never saw how bad it was.

Matt was working and he could sense something was wrong but I didn't know how to help him understand what I was going through because I didn't understand it myself. I was losing weight rapidly. I had no energy but still kept trying to act like I was okay. When Matt became really concerned I googled, "How to talk to your spouse about your depression", but I couldn't find the right words.

I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to hide in my house and hope the world would just leave me alone. It was the most excruciating feeling of helplessness and hopelessness I have ever experienced in my life. But I kept going. Matt and the kids kept me going. I remember pleading with God for help, to lift this terrible burden from me. But for a while nothing changed.

One morning when I was feeling especially low, I remembered a talk I had heard from Elder Holland, when he spoke of a time in his life that he dealt with depression. I searched for it online, I found it and I read it. It brought comfort to know I wasn't alone but I still didn't feel better. I thought about going to the doctor to get on some sort of medication but I didn't feel good enough to even make an appointment.

A few months of this agony had gone by. I had lost 10 pounds and I looked terrible. People I would see around town who knew me, began to notice and would ask me if I was okay. I would just smile and say "Yes, I'm fine".

It was now November. Matt and I were going to Utah for Thanksgiving. The kids would have to spend the holiday with their dad, which is always so tough for me but we piled in the car anyway and drove to Utah.

Our first stop was my sister's house. I had talked to her a little bit about what I was going through. She could see the sadness in my eyes and she just hugged me and told me it would be okay. I didn't believe her.

My family was so worried about how thin I was. I didn't know what to tell them either so I just kept praying for a miracle.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with my family and it was wonderful. I missed them so much. Utah is so peaceful to me. The beautiful mountains, my family and friends and the familiarity of the amazing place where I grew up. It always made me so happy to be there. But there was still that fog looming over me.

Later that night we went and saw some of Matt's cousins. They are fun, darling human beings who can brighten anyone's day. They brought so much joy to me in the short time we were there. Thenow the following events took place and a miracle happend. It was what I had been praying for.

Here is my facebook post from that night. November 26th, 2015:

        After a wonderful day spent with lots of our family around us, Matt and I decided to do a little shopping then stopped to eat at Denny's. It was the only joint open on Thanksgiving. As we walked in I noticed a homeless man sitting in a booth alone. It was freezing outside! I watched as the waitress brought him some coffee. I continued to watch him without appearing to obvious. I wanted to help him. I started thinking about my day and my heart sunk thinking he was homeless and alone on a day that should be spent with good food and family. I got up and asked the hostess if we could buy him dinner. She told me they were taking care of him and soon she brought him a plate of pancakes, then another when he was done with the first. I could tell he hadn't eaten in a while and it broke my heart. I was grateful for the kindness of the restaurant helping him.

Then a little while later, a girl in her 20's, came in alone and sat behind us. She told the waitress she had just finished a 12 hour shift and she was starving. Soon after she ordered, she stated to cry. I could hear her sobbing. I wanted to talk to her but I kept quiet because I didn't want to invade her privacy. She continued to cry so I finally I couldn't take it anymore and I turned around and asked if she was okay. She said that Thanksgiving was the worst day of the year for her and that she had worked that 12 hours to try to avoid it. I don't know of she had lost a loved one on this day, or why she had such a hard time but I talked to her for a while then patted her shoulder and told her I hoped she felt better.

As we left, Matt gave some money to the waitress for the homeless man. I was so grateful I had said something to the crying girl. It reminded me just how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband, beautiful, healthy children, an amazing extended family to spend my holiday with, and all the comforts of this life.                 

Leaving the restaurant that night, I felt my heavy burden begin to lift, just a little. I started feeling grateful for my beautiful life and all that I had. I started to feel a glimmer of hope.

Then just a few days later a second miracle took place. This was my face book post from our drive home from Utah.

Anytime we drive anywhere, we start the trip with a prayer for safety. Angels were definitely watching over us tonight. 30 minutes outside of Salt Lake we went over a bridge on the freeway and hit black ice. The car was fishtailing back and forth. I saw the guard rail getting closer, so scared we would go over it but miraculously I was able to stay on the road. It felt like someone else took the wheel. I am so grateful we were watched over and protected. So scary!

This doesn't due justice to what I experienced steering our car though that ordeal. We were sliding out of control for what seemed like several minutes. There was a car on my left side, right up until we started to slide and it had magically disappeared. We would have hit it.

I had seen a car on the other side of the freeway that had gone off the road so I had slowed way down prior to hitting the ice. Then when we hit, I knew exactly what to do to keep the suburban on the road. I know with all of my being, I wasn't alone. We were protected and I was amazingly calm during the whole thing.

When the car quit thrashing and the kids quit crying the car was quiet. My mind was filled with peace and I was able to see things in my life, so clearly. The depression and what had caused it became very insignificant. I was still fragile and it would take months to fully heal and recover but that night was a start.

I felt God's love surround me in ways I hadn't before and I knew I would be okay.

It took time to fully grasp what it was that had caused the depression but once I did I was able to make necessary changes in my life to hopefully ensure, that it won't happen again. Those details aren't really important but what I will say is that if there are toxic people in your life who are causing stress or insecurities, it's okay to say goodbye to those people.

I have learned a lot since I went through my battle with depression. I have learned to do the best I can and that is good enough. I have learned when things get overwhelming, to make my world smaller. I've learned to say no and to truly love myself despite my flaws. But most of all, I have leared just how much God and my family love me. With them by my side, I can do anything.

I have shared the link of the video I watched and also this picture taken during that "dark" time. I can see the sadness in my own eyes but it reminds me that even though I was hurting, I was still me and I made it through.

https://youtu.be/IrNqGqy5kbQ

If you have taken the time to read this, Thank you for your love! Your friendship means the world to me.


         

Happiness in Marriage

I love the beginning of a new year! It is such a wonderful time to reflect on life and look at all the wonderful blessings and memories that have been made. It is also the perfect time to focus on new goals and maybe make some changes in our lives. 

My blog posts always stem from questions people ask me. Matt and I have a unique, yet very common situation for these times. We deal with challenges every day with our kids and issues from divorce and blending two families. BUT despite those challenges we have found so much happiness with each other. 

This post is about how we make our marriage strong and how we fall in love with each other more and more every day. It has taken many years of practice, sacrifice and humility to get to where we are today...almost 8 years to be exact but it has been SO worth it. I am so grateful a loving Heavenly Father guided me to my amazing husband who has helped me to love myself again and tells me every day how much he loves and cherishes me. From being "Miss Independent" my ENTIRE life, I have learned it is okay to lean on my husband and allow him to actually take care of me. I hope these things can help you in your marriages and if you are single, don't give up hope. God is so mindful of you and he will bless you with someone amazing if that is your desire. Happy New Year to all of you. I'm so grateful for each of you in my life. 

Here are my Top 10 things we do to have so much joy in our marriage and our family.  

#1. We always put each other first! Matt is my best friend. We laugh together, cry together, and support each other. He is so mindful of my needs and makes a huge effort to see those needs are met, daily. I do the same for him.   

#2. We support each other's dreams and hobbies. Matt loves to hunt and I love to travel. I go to Utah 3 or 4 times a year and Matt is so supportive of that. He hunts...A LOT and I say...go for it! We support each other in all that we do and it makes a huge difference in our relationship.

#3. We put God as the center of our life and our home. We attend church as a family, every Sunday...we never miss. Every night we have family prayer with our kids. Sometimes its all together and sometimes it's in each of their bedrooms but not a night goes by that we don't do this. We also have a family night once a week. For us this is usually on Sunday because of our kids crazy sports schedules, but it is so important. We also have started having a family counsel once a month. This is a time when we discuss issues within our family and let each of our children speak their mind and voice their opinion on the subject. We want them to know they are heard. We pray for protection when we travel and we ask God to protect us and our children, daily. He is why we are together and he is our light and our strength.

#4. We always lift each other up. I have talked before about how "broken" I felt when I met Matt. He felt the same way. But over the years we have helped each other to heal. I can't even count how many times a day, Matt tells me he loves me and how grateful he is to have me in his life. He tells me I am beautiful and thanks me for the things in the house that I DO get done, never putting me down for the things I don't. I tell Matt how much I appreciate how hard he works for our family and for what a wonderful example and father he is to our kids. I tell him he's a hunk and that I'm so blessed to have him in my life. These things are SO important. If you aren't doing them...start! I promise you it will make a huge difference in your marriage.       

#5. We try to be positive. We all have bad days and our kids can drive us crazy. I can definitely be a complainer but we have both tried to be more positive and not let those tough things in life get us down. If someone or something is causing emotional turmoil in your life, get rid of it! Weed those people or things out, set boundaries and find peace. From personal experience, it is liberating and very necessary. Have a glass half full, attitude in your marriage and in your life.

#6. We back each other up...always. I will admit, this has been the toughest one for me. I grew up one way and Matt grew up another. We had two totally different parenting styles when we got married. I thought he was way too tough on the kids and I was definitely not tough enough. Over the years we have found a balance but it is so important to have each others backs, especially in front of the kids. If you disagree, take it to the bedroom and discuss it but let the kids see you are united.

#7. We show respect and teach respect. Lets face it, this world is full of rude, disrespectful people and the age of the disrespect gets younger and younger. In our home we teach kindness and love for others. We respect each other and show that example to our kids. I read something on Facebook not that long ago about what parents would want for their children. One of the questions was "Would you rather have your child to grow up rich or kind. I would chose kindness every time.               

#8. Learn to listen. This one took both of us a long time to master. We have learned over the years that sometimes our spouse just needs to talk. We can't always fix it or don't need to, but we need to listen to each other and have empathy and kindness for whatever the issue is. This pertains to our children and others in our lives as well. 

#9. Always be honest. When I married Matt I was a "stuffer". I had been hurt a lot in my life so instead of talking about my feelings I would just stuff them deep inside to protect myself. I wasn't really being dishonest but I didn't share my true feelings sometimes for a fear of feeling to vulnerable or getting hurt. Matt has helped me to trust again and we are honest with each other, even if its not always what we might want to hear. 

#10. Just cherish each other.  I have mentioned many times in posts that when I was single, that I would always pray for someone who would "cherish" me. The definition of cherish means to: protect and care for, lovingly, to hold dear and to keep in one's mind. Matt is my angel in this regard. He does all of the previous 9 things but more than that, he truly cherishes me as his wife. 

I talk to a lot of people, everyday, who have gone through, or are going through trials in their lives. Quite a few, recently, have told me of the challenges they are having in their marriages. Some are talking about divorce and others are just very unhappy. It makes me so sad to hear this. I don't know all the answers but I do know that marriage takes a lot of hard work. Yes, Matt and I are very happy but a fairy godmother didn't just wave a magic wand and poof...we are eternally happy. It takes work! We have struggles just like everyone else. There are days we drive each other crazy. There are many times we don't agree. It really has taken almost 8 years for us to learn how to communicate and how to have the kind of marriage we have always wanted. 

These 10 things are from trial and error but I know they work. Make the effort to nurture your relationships. It's not hard, you might have to swallow your pride and forgive but you can do it! I hope something I have shared can help you too. I would love to hear anything that works for you! May you have a wonderful 2016.