It is Okay to fail!

We all have those days, the ones that can't end soon enough! With 8 kids, I tend to have them more often than not. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, baseball, accelerated basketball, dance lessons, scouts, church callings and activities, school functions, and the constant chaos, can sometimes take over my life and leave me a bit overwhelmed...okay, a lot overwhelmed. I have so much "stuff" to do, that I don't feel like I'm doing any of it well. I'm in survival mode and sometimes,  that is the best I can do.

For the past few years I have consciously recognized that certain months, are harder than others, May being one if them. I begin to feel like a failure. I have less patience for my family and I know they sense my agitation and feel my frustration often. But no matter how down I begin to feel those tender mercies I have spoken about, seem to rear their sweet heads every day and I somehow make it through.  

Just this past week Max has taught me his "Yoga, breathing techniques" while requiring me to sit across from him, Indian style. Chance, decided his room was a "pretty messy" so he needed to "tidy up a bit" and he cleaned the whole thing without being asked. Mattie has such a happy and joyful demeanor and she tells me stories daily of funny things that happened at school. Cache gives me tight hugs and says "you're the best mom ever" at least 20 times a day and Macie's sweet little spirit lights up a room. Matt is also there cheering me on and reminds me often, how much he loves me and that he's grateful to have me in his life.

I also have crazy, amazing friends who I talk to daily, who lift my spirits and inspire me to be better. They also remind me that I CAN do this and I'm not alone. I love those girls so much!

So basically the moral of this story is: It's okay to fail! It's okay to have a messy house and have to eat our a few times a week because other wise you'd starve. It's okay to drop what you are doing and run to the school to drop off P.E cloths or sign a permission slip that was due yesterday. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and tired. It's okay to say NO and it's okay if you're not perfect!!! 

Find things to be grateful for. Look for the small blessings everyday that come to help you through the tough times. And always remember, you're not alone! 

Adoption: My Birthmom's are Angels!

I promise at some future date, to tell you each of my adoption stories individually but as for today I want to take a minute to honor my 3 birth mother's.

To me, these girls are my angels. They came to this Earth so strong! I can only imagine what it must have been like the day they found out they were pregnant. They were 15, 17 and 19 years old. Their whole lives were ahead of them and then WHAM!..they are now carrying a child. Fear, anger, morning sickness, and all the other physical and emotional changes that occur during pregnancy, take over their lives. They are each faced with the harsh reality of "What am I going to do now"? In all three cases, abortion was never even an option. I admire them so much for choosing life. They each knew, they would make whatever sacrifices nessisary , to see their situation through to the end. The love they had for their children was such an amazing love. They didn't choose to give them up, they chose to give them more.

Mattie's birthmom had been kicked out of her house at 14 because her mom didn't have enough room for her, which broke my heart. She lived in downtown Salt Lake City, with whoever would take her in. The day she delivered Mattie she was 15 and all alone. She knew she couldn't be a mom and she found the courage and strength to ask a random stranger if she knew of anyone who could adopt her beautiful baby girl.

That random stranger just happened to be a dear friend of mine who I had lost contact with, until a month before Mattie was born. I just had a "feeling" to call her a few days earlier and I told her after 4 years of infertility, all I wanted was to be a mom.

What are the chances of a young girl asking the "newborn" photographer out of everyone in that huge hospital, if SHE knew of a family who could adopt her baby? What are the chances that my friend had been called into work on her day off because 16 babies had been born that morning? (a hospital record) And what are the chances that I was the one chosen and blessed beyond measure, to bring that baby girl home?

Max's birthmom was 4 hours away from home going to college when she found out she was expecting. She never told one single soul she was pregnant. She went through the whole nine months alone, or did she? God was always there for her. He blessed her to know that everything would be okay and this brought her peace. On the day she went into labor, she barely made it to the hospital in time and delivered shortly after. She found strength and courage beyond anything I can even fatham. She had to call her parents and tell then that she had just had a baby boy but she was going to place him for adoption. Her family was heartbroken but she knew that was the right decision for her and her baby and she went forward with great faith.

Chances birthmom had the support of her whole family. He would have been loved and cared for but she knew that wasn't the right choice for him. The day Chance was born, I was there. I held her hand while she gave birth to "our" son. I watched how devastating it was for her and her loving family to let this precious baby go but she found the strength to sign the papers and say goodbye. I was in awe at her courage and unconditional love for her sweet baby boy.

So where are they now? How did these tough, heartbreaking decisions effect the rest of their lives? 

Unfortunately I'm not in contact with Mattie's birthmom, but hopefully one day. As for Max's birthmom, she and I are like sisters. She is married now and has a little boy of her own. We have written letters, sent pictures and stayed in touch from the day Max was born. She sends him presents for his birthday and Christmas and we see each other as often as possible. Max knows her and loves her. She also knows Mattie doesn't know her own birthmom so last year she asked if she could "adopt" Mattie. She send Mattie gifts as well and writes to her on Facebook. I am so grateful for the love she shows the kids and the wonderful relationship that we have. I love that girl!

Chances birthmom is is also married with 4 beautiful children. I love her so much! She is such an inspiration to me. Chance loves that he has 4 younger siblings and he's the "big brother". When I adopted Chance, I gained an entire family. Matt and I were married in Chances grandparents backyard and we see them a few times a year. Chances grandma is my 2nd mom and if we go longer than a few weeks without talking, one of us will call. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them in it.

Looking back at the nights I would cry myself to sleep, feel sorry for myself and even be angry at God, because I couldn't have children, they were only preparing me for something so much greater. I have learned love, patience, compassion and understanding. The experiences I've had because of infertility are priceless and I would go through it all over again to gain what I have now.

I have met so many young girls who have gone through similar experiences and I have been able to just give them a big hug and tell them how strong and beautiful they are. My birthmom's are my angels because they did something for me that I couldn't do for myself. They gave me a gift greater than any gift on this earth. The gift of motherhood. I will love them and cherish them my whole life. Thank you sweet girls! I love you!