Divorce...Holidays..Acceptance and Joy

     For the past 7 years, my holidays have definitely changed. AND, might I add, the strings that are attached to divorce are pretty crappy! Before I chose to get divorced, I thought long and hard about the changes that would inevitably take place, especially when it came to holidays. I was willing to accept these changes, but nothing can prepare you for how it feels to spend Christmas with no children.
      In all divorce cases, custody is generally shared on holidays. Each case may be a little different but in our case, every other year, we have no kids for Christmas. Mine are actually gone the entire Christmas break. These are the years that are really tough! 
     The so called "Christmas Spirit" has a hard time finding it's way into my heart and mind on these years. I do my best by; try to bring joy to others through service, I send out our annual Christmas Card...my favorite, I attend concerts, decorate the tree and do anything I can, that helps me feel that "feeling" that should preside at Christmas time, but no matter what, it's not the same.
     I could write a novel on how pathetically sad I get and how hard it really is for me, but instead, I will briefly share how I make it though the heartache with the help of my amazing husband and the ability to find joy despite my sorrow.
    I am a pretty lucky girl to be married to my best friend. He understands how tough it is to wake up on Christmas morning to an empty house SO every year he takes me on vacation! Yes, I am spoiled but I am so grateful for Matt and how he takes such great care of me.
     We've been on a cruise, stayed in a condo in Utah so I could have snow on Christmas Eve, and this year we are in sunny Santa Barbara! Our life is so hectic and busy most of the year so I'm grateful for some relaxation and alone time with my sweet husband. I am so blessed to have him in my life!

     I look for the magic in the Christmas lights people spend their time putting up, I listen to the wonderful songs that sing about Santa Claus and Silent nights and I reflect often on Christ and the sacrifice he made for me.
     I have definitely had to get tougher and retrain my heart to accept what I cannot change but it really makes me appreciate the years we do have the kids. I guess it all comes down to attitude, acceptance and looking forward to the day that we get to celebrate Christmas with all of our beautiful children. It might not be December 25th, but whatever day it is, it's Christmas day for us. I'm also grateful that they see themselves as one big family and they want to wait for each other to open gifts together. I am pretty dang proud of our kids and I am so blessed to be their momma.
     So for those of you who deal with shared custody on holidays, I love you, I understand what you're going through and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Count your many blessings, serve others and cherish all you have. I know it's tough but you can do this. Muah!!!

When God knows better than we do.

     In junior high and high school I had dreams, Big Dream! I wanted to be a fashion designer, a physical therapist, a singer, a model and maybe even an actress. Yes, I wanted to get married and maybe someday be a mom. But I always thought I would have 2 kids, maybe 3 tops! Ha ha ha, that is pretty funny in hindsight. I was a free spirit who loved adventure. Dancing into the wee hours of the morning, sleeping out all night on the sidewalk to get tickets to the next concert, laughing until it hurt while hanging out at the mall with my girlfriends, were top priorities on my list. I also loved to travel and still do. Seeing new places and learning new things, flying to far away destinations, awesome! I also worked hard! I was "Miss Independent" and had a job at 14. I liked having my own money and my freedom. But as I grew up and started to see life in a different light, my priorities began to change. 
     I read a blog today that inspired me to share my thoughts on this subject. It was about a lady who had her seven children 

with her at the grocery store and what she wish she would have said to the insensitive, guy behind her. He looked at her children, asked if they were ALL hers and then said that he felt sorry for her. I can't tell you the rude and hurtful comments that I have had over the years. But I have also many wonderful ones as well. 

     Mattie, Max and Chance all came to me within 2 years. So I would trudge off to the store with a, barely 2 year old and 2 babies in carriers. It was usually chaos and I would hear things like 'Wow, you've got your hand full" and " Are all these kids are yours, you've been busy". I even had a lady rudely look at me and say "Oh my gosh, bing, bing, bing". I wanted to punch her lights out but instead I didn't say a word. What I wish I would have said is this, "Yes, they are all mine and they are all adopted. I can't have children and I am so grateful to be a mom!" When the twins came along, 3 years later it was even worse, and then I added 3 more kids to my family through my marriage to Matt. So you can imagine the array of things I have heard over the years. 
      Matt and I like to take them all on outings and expect the "great" comments we get, like, "OMG are these ALL your kids?" After telling them yes, I get things back, like "Well God bless you". That was actually my favorite, but for the most part it has been things like, "You gave birth to 8 kids!!" "I don't know how you do it". "I'm so glad I'm not you" and "You must be really busy." Most of the time I want to say "Do you think??? But I refrain and just smile most of or say that I am very blessed. Yes we are busy, yes it's very trying and messy and crazy and a million other things but it's also amazing!
     Infertility wasn't just a trial for me, it was a time for learning. I learned a huge amount of patience and long suffering, tools that God knew l would need in the future. I learned that I can love any child, no matter how they got here. I look at all of my children the same. Adopted, biological or my three newest additions, I honestly love them all to pieces!! I learned how to be unselfish and how to serve. I learned that there are more important things in life than all of those things that used to matter to me. Yes, I still go on adventures, I still love to sing and dance and travel but those things are minuscule, compared to the joy and happiness my children and my husband bring to my life. 
     So to those who might look at my life and feel sorry for me...well the joke is on them because I am right where I want to be. I chose this life and I was prepared for it by a loving Father in Heaven who knows me better than I even know myself. He sent me to this earth strong, stubborn and determined. He knew I would do whatever it took to help these 8 beautiful spirits, hopefully achieve greatness and become amazing human beings. I want them to know how to love, how to help others, how to treat others with kindness but most of all how to become the people that God knows they can be. 
     I may not ever get enough sleep, make it to Australia, London, or Italy ( all on my bucket list) or ever be caught up on laundry but when I watch my kids play sports, cheer at a game, play their instrument, dance, sing, draw and pray, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. For all of you mom's out there, you are amazing!