Divorce...Holidays..Acceptance and Joy

     For the past 7 years, my holidays have definitely changed. AND, might I add, the strings that are attached to divorce are pretty crappy! Before I chose to get divorced, I thought long and hard about the changes that would inevitably take place, especially when it came to holidays. I was willing to accept these changes, but nothing can prepare you for how it feels to spend Christmas with no children.
      In all divorce cases, custody is generally shared on holidays. Each case may be a little different but in our case, every other year, we have no kids for Christmas. Mine are actually gone the entire Christmas break. These are the years that are really tough! 
     The so called "Christmas Spirit" has a hard time finding it's way into my heart and mind on these years. I do my best by; try to bring joy to others through service, I send out our annual Christmas Card...my favorite, I attend concerts, decorate the tree and do anything I can, that helps me feel that "feeling" that should preside at Christmas time, but no matter what, it's not the same.
     I could write a novel on how pathetically sad I get and how hard it really is for me, but instead, I will briefly share how I make it though the heartache with the help of my amazing husband and the ability to find joy despite my sorrow.
    I am a pretty lucky girl to be married to my best friend. He understands how tough it is to wake up on Christmas morning to an empty house SO every year he takes me on vacation! Yes, I am spoiled but I am so grateful for Matt and how he takes such great care of me.
     We've been on a cruise, stayed in a condo in Utah so I could have snow on Christmas Eve, and this year we are in sunny Santa Barbara! Our life is so hectic and busy most of the year so I'm grateful for some relaxation and alone time with my sweet husband. I am so blessed to have him in my life!

     I look for the magic in the Christmas lights people spend their time putting up, I listen to the wonderful songs that sing about Santa Claus and Silent nights and I reflect often on Christ and the sacrifice he made for me.
     I have definitely had to get tougher and retrain my heart to accept what I cannot change but it really makes me appreciate the years we do have the kids. I guess it all comes down to attitude, acceptance and looking forward to the day that we get to celebrate Christmas with all of our beautiful children. It might not be December 25th, but whatever day it is, it's Christmas day for us. I'm also grateful that they see themselves as one big family and they want to wait for each other to open gifts together. I am pretty dang proud of our kids and I am so blessed to be their momma.
     So for those of you who deal with shared custody on holidays, I love you, I understand what you're going through and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Count your many blessings, serve others and cherish all you have. I know it's tough but you can do this. Muah!!!

When God knows better than we do.

     In junior high and high school I had dreams, Big Dream! I wanted to be a fashion designer, a physical therapist, a singer, a model and maybe even an actress. Yes, I wanted to get married and maybe someday be a mom. But I always thought I would have 2 kids, maybe 3 tops! Ha ha ha, that is pretty funny in hindsight. I was a free spirit who loved adventure. Dancing into the wee hours of the morning, sleeping out all night on the sidewalk to get tickets to the next concert, laughing until it hurt while hanging out at the mall with my girlfriends, were top priorities on my list. I also loved to travel and still do. Seeing new places and learning new things, flying to far away destinations, awesome! I also worked hard! I was "Miss Independent" and had a job at 14. I liked having my own money and my freedom. But as I grew up and started to see life in a different light, my priorities began to change. 
     I read a blog today that inspired me to share my thoughts on this subject. It was about a lady who had her seven children 

with her at the grocery store and what she wish she would have said to the insensitive, guy behind her. He looked at her children, asked if they were ALL hers and then said that he felt sorry for her. I can't tell you the rude and hurtful comments that I have had over the years. But I have also many wonderful ones as well. 

     Mattie, Max and Chance all came to me within 2 years. So I would trudge off to the store with a, barely 2 year old and 2 babies in carriers. It was usually chaos and I would hear things like 'Wow, you've got your hand full" and " Are all these kids are yours, you've been busy". I even had a lady rudely look at me and say "Oh my gosh, bing, bing, bing". I wanted to punch her lights out but instead I didn't say a word. What I wish I would have said is this, "Yes, they are all mine and they are all adopted. I can't have children and I am so grateful to be a mom!" When the twins came along, 3 years later it was even worse, and then I added 3 more kids to my family through my marriage to Matt. So you can imagine the array of things I have heard over the years. 
      Matt and I like to take them all on outings and expect the "great" comments we get, like, "OMG are these ALL your kids?" After telling them yes, I get things back, like "Well God bless you". That was actually my favorite, but for the most part it has been things like, "You gave birth to 8 kids!!" "I don't know how you do it". "I'm so glad I'm not you" and "You must be really busy." Most of the time I want to say "Do you think??? But I refrain and just smile most of or say that I am very blessed. Yes we are busy, yes it's very trying and messy and crazy and a million other things but it's also amazing!
     Infertility wasn't just a trial for me, it was a time for learning. I learned a huge amount of patience and long suffering, tools that God knew l would need in the future. I learned that I can love any child, no matter how they got here. I look at all of my children the same. Adopted, biological or my three newest additions, I honestly love them all to pieces!! I learned how to be unselfish and how to serve. I learned that there are more important things in life than all of those things that used to matter to me. Yes, I still go on adventures, I still love to sing and dance and travel but those things are minuscule, compared to the joy and happiness my children and my husband bring to my life. 
     So to those who might look at my life and feel sorry for me...well the joke is on them because I am right where I want to be. I chose this life and I was prepared for it by a loving Father in Heaven who knows me better than I even know myself. He sent me to this earth strong, stubborn and determined. He knew I would do whatever it took to help these 8 beautiful spirits, hopefully achieve greatness and become amazing human beings. I want them to know how to love, how to help others, how to treat others with kindness but most of all how to become the people that God knows they can be. 
     I may not ever get enough sleep, make it to Australia, London, or Italy ( all on my bucket list) or ever be caught up on laundry but when I watch my kids play sports, cheer at a game, play their instrument, dance, sing, draw and pray, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. For all of you mom's out there, you are amazing!     

     

Why serving others blesses YOU the most!

It seems like Sunday's are the only day I can shut my A.D.D brain off long enough to write down my thoughts. Maybe it's because I choose to focus more on the "spiritual things" of life, instead of worrying about all the things I need to get done. Unless you are in it, it's hard to understand how busy the life of a mom of 8 active kids who are, "involved in everything known to man", can really be. But lately I have been thinking a lot about service and how genuinely loving and serving others has blessed my life. I think it's very fitting since November is always the month we seem to focus on gratitude.

Do I ever really have time to serve others outside of my large family? Probably not but when I do, I am much happier, more loving and I know that I'm full filling what I came to this earth to do.

We all have been given special gifts and talents by a loving Heavenly Father and he expects us to share them with each other. As I attended a recent women's conference, with 6 of my amazing friends, we were challenged to figure out what those unique talents were.

On the ride home, as we were all piled in my suburban, we talked about each person and told each other what we saw in them. I am the oldest of the group so they titled me "The Mom"....of course! These sweet friends told me of the qualities they saw in me, they are things that, sometimes, I have a hard time seeing in myself. Compassionate, caring, close to the spirit and kind are some that I remember the most. I can sing, I have an eye for fashion and those who know me...well I'm a total goof ball but those aren't the things they saw.

I started thinking a lot about what they said and began reflecting on the experiences I've had because of these talents. Many times throughout my life I have been put in someones path to help them. I hold these times sacred and count them among my miracles. Some of the experiences were smaller things but they are all equally important and meaningful to me. They are things like giving someone a ride home, paying a few extra dollars at the check stand when someone didn't have quite enough, sending flowers when I know someone is having a rough time, or listening to a friend who calls me because they just need to talk and they know I will listen.

Then there are those times that have been BIG! Life changing experiences, that have literally caused me to look back in awe. It still brings tears to my eyes, even now, as I write, that God would trust me with these precious souls, in those circumstances and allow me to be a part of something so wonderful.

Several times I have been called upon to help young teenagers through their unwed pregnancies. I was there to be a friend to them, and just to love them. If I wouldn't have had infertility issues and gone through 3 adoptions with my own sweet birth mom's, would I have the compassion that I do now, for others? The answer is NO! I had to go through that trial to be able to help these girls and to see them as Christ would see them, without judgement. Looking back I am so grateful that I went through it. I am such a better person because of infertility.

I was also blessed to help a few couples adopt. These situations were the BIG ones! There was one in particular that was especially tough for me. I had know the birth mom and her family most of my life and I felt like they were so disappointed in me. They were so hurt and angry and it broke my heart. I didn't have the strength to endure the sorrow of the situation. I prayed for help to understand' why I was asked to be involved. Why would I be sent to help in a situation where I knew the family and how devastated they would be to lose their grandchild. I was so close to them yet I was the one who the birth mom confided in. I knew in my heart for a surety that the adoptive couple was supposed to adopt this baby. So why was this asked of ME?

I remember praying and pouring my heart out to God. I was feeling complete agony and despair but when I said Amen, a peace came over me that I can't explain and I heard these words. "When much is given, much is expected". I saw my children's faces and remembered what miracles and sacrifice it took get them here. I knew that God had provided a way for me to get my children and he was doing the same in this situation, through me. After that clarity, I knew I would do whatever was asked of me but that I wouldn't be doing it alone. I knew that God would be by my side and he would be in charge. And he was!

Hearts were healed and all involved understood "why". It was still tough at the time but now 4 years later, the birth mom is married, so happy and expecting a baby with her new husband. The adoptive couple are amazing parents and the little boy is loved by so many.

I hesitate sometimes, writing such personal things. I never want to come across like I'm amazing and I deserve a pat me on the back. In fact it's the opposite. I was just an instrument in God's hands and I feel honored to have been involved in being able to bless others. These experiences were only possible because I chose to follow what God asked me to do. I know Ive missed opportunities because I am definitely human and get busy and don't always pay attention. But when I do get to be a part of something big or small, I feel so blessed. I thank God often for allowing me to be a part of his plan for these people and I am so grateful because these experiences have taught me so much.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I've been taught my whole life how important service is. l have been so blessed more times than I can count through the kindness of others, so today I just challenge each of you to "Pay it Forward".

Harvest: "A time to be grateful"

It's 4:30am when I hear the alarm go off. My hard working husband has had 5 hours of sleep but he jumps out of bed without even hitting snooze...it's the first day of prune harvest! Prunes, which begin as oval shaped plums, are my favorite! Picked fresh off the tree, they are delicious!

Machines need fuel, workers need to be directed, Matt has a hundred things on his mind but knows exactly what needs to be accomplished and he just does it. He amazes me how he does it ALL and always seems to stay positive, even when machines break down or workers flake out. He also seems to always have time for me, all the kids and his church calling in the bishopric. The guy is my hero and I am so grateful for him!!

I have watched Matt stay up for 3 days straight, irrigating a new walnut orchard, getting no sleeping except in his truck or on the ground between water changes. He spends 12 hours straight, everyday for a month in the combine, harvesting rice during the month of October. He sprays the tree's in the dark because it's to hot during the day. He gets dirty, hot and tired. This is the life of my awesome farmer.

The next 3 months will be crazy as harvest continues. Next, will be rice and after that, walnuts but being married to a farmer is the best! He has flexible hours and he's never more than a mile from home. There will be days, probably many, when I will get overwhelmed trying to get all the kids where they need to be by myself but I count my blessings everyday that this very tall, very handsome, farm boy from Gridley, California, picked me! He does all he can to help me, be there for me and love me. I couldn't have asked for a more amazing guy who just "gets me". None of us are "perfect" but Matt is pretty perfect for me.

Also being married to a husband who takes providing for our family of 10, as seriously as he does, is probably the biggest blessing in my life!! I've seen the other side, I have friends who have also been there. I'm not trying to put anyone down here but it's just such a tremendous blessing! A mission, a college education and an amazing work ethic which Matt learned from his wonderful father, has blessed my life and the lives of our children more than I could have ever thought possible. I am so grateful that the kids have such a good, strong, example to follow.

We are so blessed! We live in a beautiful world and a place where anything can grow. The farmers curse the weeds and the "Johnson Grass" from time to time but the fruits and vegetables, nuts and grains that grow here sustain the lives of millions and it's right in my backyard.

Matthew David Little...I love you! Thank you for taking such good care of me and our family! You are an amazing man and I am so very grateful for you Mwah!!!!

Count Your Many Blessings

It seems like everyday, lately, someone that I love and care about is facing a huge trial. Cancer at age 42, losing a baby, a cheating spouse, infertility...the list goes on. My heart hurts so much for each of these dear friends. I wish more that anything that I could wave a magic wand for them and make it all better. But because of this "Earthly Experience" we must all endure, there is no way to fix it so I try to just offer my love and support in any way that I can.

As I have voiced on Facebook recently,  I am living my own Gethsemane, if you will,  as my children are away for the summer. I miss them so much that even the mention of their names brings me to tears. I'm so grateful I have them during the whole school year and I know spending time with their dad is important. Knowing this however, still doesn't take away the pain and sadness I feel every summer. I really have to fight not to slip into a completely depressed state.

So today as I sat in Church, something amazing happened and some things really hit me. As I listened to the testimonies being born, I heard the words "gratitude" and "grateful" several times. I say these words often and I have heard them thousands of times in my life but today they meant something different. I started thinking about all of the life-altering trials mentioned above that my sweet friends are dealing with. I thought of my two grandparents who's bodies are failing them and my parents who are care for them daily. I thought of my dear husband who tries so hard to provide for me and all of our children.  He does much for me daily, to try to help me to be to be happy when I'm down. Then I thought about each of our children and how they are all so beautiful and unique. How each of them brightens my day and fills my life with so much joy.

Then the tears came! The ugly ones! Wake up! Look around and count your many blessings! Why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself when there is so much to be grateful for? I don't have cancer, my kids are all healthy and well taken care of, even if they are not with me right now. I have a husband who goes to work everyday, who cherishes me and loves all 8 of our kids like his own. I am a daughter of God and he loves me. All the rest doesn't matter. It was a beautiful and gentle wake up call that I really needed today.

It is so easy to find the negative but instead I am choosing to count my many blessings and find the positives and joy in this life. I love you all and challenge you to do the same.

It is Okay to fail!

We all have those days, the ones that can't end soon enough! With 8 kids, I tend to have them more often than not. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, baseball, accelerated basketball, dance lessons, scouts, church callings and activities, school functions, and the constant chaos, can sometimes take over my life and leave me a bit overwhelmed...okay, a lot overwhelmed. I have so much "stuff" to do, that I don't feel like I'm doing any of it well. I'm in survival mode and sometimes,  that is the best I can do.

For the past few years I have consciously recognized that certain months, are harder than others, May being one if them. I begin to feel like a failure. I have less patience for my family and I know they sense my agitation and feel my frustration often. But no matter how down I begin to feel those tender mercies I have spoken about, seem to rear their sweet heads every day and I somehow make it through.  

Just this past week Max has taught me his "Yoga, breathing techniques" while requiring me to sit across from him, Indian style. Chance, decided his room was a "pretty messy" so he needed to "tidy up a bit" and he cleaned the whole thing without being asked. Mattie has such a happy and joyful demeanor and she tells me stories daily of funny things that happened at school. Cache gives me tight hugs and says "you're the best mom ever" at least 20 times a day and Macie's sweet little spirit lights up a room. Matt is also there cheering me on and reminds me often, how much he loves me and that he's grateful to have me in his life.

I also have crazy, amazing friends who I talk to daily, who lift my spirits and inspire me to be better. They also remind me that I CAN do this and I'm not alone. I love those girls so much!

So basically the moral of this story is: It's okay to fail! It's okay to have a messy house and have to eat our a few times a week because other wise you'd starve. It's okay to drop what you are doing and run to the school to drop off P.E cloths or sign a permission slip that was due yesterday. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and tired. It's okay to say NO and it's okay if you're not perfect!!! 

Find things to be grateful for. Look for the small blessings everyday that come to help you through the tough times. And always remember, you're not alone! 

Adoption: My Birthmom's are Angels!

I promise at some future date, to tell you each of my adoption stories individually but as for today I want to take a minute to honor my 3 birth mother's.

To me, these girls are my angels. They came to this Earth so strong! I can only imagine what it must have been like the day they found out they were pregnant. They were 15, 17 and 19 years old. Their whole lives were ahead of them and then WHAM!..they are now carrying a child. Fear, anger, morning sickness, and all the other physical and emotional changes that occur during pregnancy, take over their lives. They are each faced with the harsh reality of "What am I going to do now"? In all three cases, abortion was never even an option. I admire them so much for choosing life. They each knew, they would make whatever sacrifices nessisary , to see their situation through to the end. The love they had for their children was such an amazing love. They didn't choose to give them up, they chose to give them more.

Mattie's birthmom had been kicked out of her house at 14 because her mom didn't have enough room for her, which broke my heart. She lived in downtown Salt Lake City, with whoever would take her in. The day she delivered Mattie she was 15 and all alone. She knew she couldn't be a mom and she found the courage and strength to ask a random stranger if she knew of anyone who could adopt her beautiful baby girl.

That random stranger just happened to be a dear friend of mine who I had lost contact with, until a month before Mattie was born. I just had a "feeling" to call her a few days earlier and I told her after 4 years of infertility, all I wanted was to be a mom.

What are the chances of a young girl asking the "newborn" photographer out of everyone in that huge hospital, if SHE knew of a family who could adopt her baby? What are the chances that my friend had been called into work on her day off because 16 babies had been born that morning? (a hospital record) And what are the chances that I was the one chosen and blessed beyond measure, to bring that baby girl home?

Max's birthmom was 4 hours away from home going to college when she found out she was expecting. She never told one single soul she was pregnant. She went through the whole nine months alone, or did she? God was always there for her. He blessed her to know that everything would be okay and this brought her peace. On the day she went into labor, she barely made it to the hospital in time and delivered shortly after. She found strength and courage beyond anything I can even fatham. She had to call her parents and tell then that she had just had a baby boy but she was going to place him for adoption. Her family was heartbroken but she knew that was the right decision for her and her baby and she went forward with great faith.

Chances birthmom had the support of her whole family. He would have been loved and cared for but she knew that wasn't the right choice for him. The day Chance was born, I was there. I held her hand while she gave birth to "our" son. I watched how devastating it was for her and her loving family to let this precious baby go but she found the strength to sign the papers and say goodbye. I was in awe at her courage and unconditional love for her sweet baby boy.

So where are they now? How did these tough, heartbreaking decisions effect the rest of their lives? 

Unfortunately I'm not in contact with Mattie's birthmom, but hopefully one day. As for Max's birthmom, she and I are like sisters. She is married now and has a little boy of her own. We have written letters, sent pictures and stayed in touch from the day Max was born. She sends him presents for his birthday and Christmas and we see each other as often as possible. Max knows her and loves her. She also knows Mattie doesn't know her own birthmom so last year she asked if she could "adopt" Mattie. She send Mattie gifts as well and writes to her on Facebook. I am so grateful for the love she shows the kids and the wonderful relationship that we have. I love that girl!

Chances birthmom is is also married with 4 beautiful children. I love her so much! She is such an inspiration to me. Chance loves that he has 4 younger siblings and he's the "big brother". When I adopted Chance, I gained an entire family. Matt and I were married in Chances grandparents backyard and we see them a few times a year. Chances grandma is my 2nd mom and if we go longer than a few weeks without talking, one of us will call. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them in it.

Looking back at the nights I would cry myself to sleep, feel sorry for myself and even be angry at God, because I couldn't have children, they were only preparing me for something so much greater. I have learned love, patience, compassion and understanding. The experiences I've had because of infertility are priceless and I would go through it all over again to gain what I have now.

I have met so many young girls who have gone through similar experiences and I have been able to just give them a big hug and tell them how strong and beautiful they are. My birthmom's are my angels because they did something for me that I couldn't do for myself. They gave me a gift greater than any gift on this earth. The gift of motherhood. I will love them and cherish them my whole life. Thank you sweet girls! I love you!