I've wanted to write this post for a long time but just haven't had the guts. Laying all of your flaws and insecurities out there for the world to read, is a scary thing. I feel vulnerable but like all the posts I write, my hope is that by sharing this, it might help someone else. So...here goes nothing.
I am: stubborn, impatient, insecure, unorganized, messy and lazy at times. I am a bit of a hoarder, especially with clothes, which have overtaken my house. I have sensory issues, especially with noise. I get really bad anxiety. I can sing in front of hundreds of people but I'm actually quite introverted. I sometimes worry about things that aren't that important but they become bigger because I make them that way. I've struggled with A.D.D my whole life which makes following through with things really difficult. I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough, most of the time. There are more but lets stop there for now.
Okay, so there I am. All of those "things". All of those NEGATIVE things, and they define me...right? Well, I use to think so.
I used to think that's who I was. I would get so down on myself from others telling me negative things or from my own self doubts, that I thought those "things" defined me.
But then I started to look at those "things" differently. Maybe those things weren't all negative, maybe they were given to me to actually help and teach me in this life. But how???
Lets start with "stubborn". God knew I would have issues with infertility. SO, he sent me to this earth as stubborn as a mule. WHY? So that I would search and work so hard and never give up until I found a way to get my kids where they needed to be, in my family. And Bam! now I have eight! It's okay to laugh, I do. It's so many...LOL and I have never felt more blessed.
Impatient...well the whole infertility fiasco, that taught me oodles of patience WHICH have come in pretty handy with the amount of kids I have now. Without that trial, I would probably have zero patience and probably would have completely lost it by now.
Insecurity... I think we all are insecure to some degree but for me I have learned over the past 8 years to really love myself. WHY? Because of an amazing man who tells me daily how beautiful I am, how grateful he is for me and how lucky he is to have me as his wife. I still have insecurities and probably always will, but I think that makes me human. It makes all of us human.
Now on to being unorganized, messy, lazy and a hoarder. I think this all stems from my childhood. We were poor. My parents went through a divorce when I was 10 and for many of my young teenage years we struggled financially. I wore clothes that were hand-me-downs and I was teased... And it was really tough. SO every paycheck I got, I would buy clothes. Lets face it, I am prissy, I like to look nice but I don't need all of that stuff to feel good about myself. I have gotten to the point in my life where I am ready to let go of all of that. No more fears, no more holding on to "things" that I don't need. And the greatest lesson I have learned through these trials is......to GIVE.
This is the year of what I am calling the "Great Purge". So far we have gone through two of our kids entire wardrobes and discarded 4 giant, black garbage bags of clothes. After we are all done going though all of our clothing, we are going to give them to others who could really use them. If my kids only learn one thing from me, it will be that giving and serving others is what this life is all about. So I now look at my hording as a way to bless the lives of others. Once the purge has taken place, I won't go back to that way of thinking again and when I do get new things, I will discard the old ones immediately.
I am reading the books "The life-changing magic of tidying up" and it's partner book "Spark joy"...both written by a tiny, cute Japanese lady named Marie Kondo. (she has video's on you tube as well where she organizes a ladies house. Super cool!) Finding these books is an answer to years of prayers to get my house organized once and for all. I am so excited to go to work and watch the transformation. Learning to let go feels amazing.
Now to cover the final few... "flaws". Being introverted, having anxiety, and struggling with noise...Well...I can actually see some positive things about these "things". Sometimes, OKAY, most of the time, I try to take on too much. There is a lot of chaos in our home, just because of the number of bodies. It can be loud with music and T.V and playing and sometimes fighting, and all of the sounds that 8 kids can bring. So because of this, I have found ways to make it more peaceful. I turn on soothing music, I shut the doors when I am in the kitchen so its more quiet and hopefully my kids are learning that quiet and peace invites the spirit of God to be in our home and they will want that for their homes as well.
I love friends and having fun but sometimes the introverted side balances me out to help me to want to just stay home and be content with that. I am socially awkward sometimes and say the wrong thing which is embarrassing but I'm learning that its okay and I'm okay.
Then there is that awesome thing called anxiety. For any of you who have suffered with this, its not great. It's actually pretty crappy but as I've thought about this, I see it as a strength. I am very sensitive. I can sense things about people that have actually kept me safe. I can sense others emotions and when they might need help. I can sense the spirit and when I might need help. The anxiety is almost like a warning for me. It comes when I need to just relax or when I'm doing to much and need to cut back. Sometimes it comes just because but if I stop and recognize whats going on around me, I can usually pin point what brings it on and help it to go away.
The last thing is A.D.D. Oh boy, this one has been awesome! NOT!!!!!!! As a kid I remember sitting in class, my work was done way before anyone else's and I was board out of my mind. I just wanted to go outside or color or draw or SOMETHING! As an adult it has gotten worse. Its hard to start a task and ever finish anything because I get so sidetracked. BUT...there are positives! I can multi-task like no body's business! I can remember how many ball games, practices, appointments, church activities, and a million other things that are going on and get everyone to everything without missing a beat. I can make dinner, do laundry, help with homework, text a friend who needs me and what ever else needs my attention, all at the same time. SO in all reality, my A.D.D is a tremendous blessing. Hip Hip Hooray!
By re-framing our "things", our flaws or weaknesses they can become great strengths and blessings.
I hope by sharing all of these things about myself, you can look at your "things" a little differently. I know I have a lot of positive traits as well. I cherish them and I'm so grateful for them and I am trying to focus on those "things" now, so much more than the negative ones. Happy 2017! This is going to be a GREAT year! I love each of you who takes the time to read these blog posts. I hope this has helped you.
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