My Battle with Depression

Today I share something very personal with you. My hope by doing so, is that if any of you are dealing with, or have dealt with depression, you will know you are not alone.

I was asked to sing in church at the end of July, so I decided to go on our church web sight to look through the hymns. When the homepage came up, there was a Mormon Message posted, called "Like A Broken Vessel" with a picture of Elder Jeffery R. Holland, a leader in our church. Not long ago, his talk from our churches General Conference, with the same title, helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. As I watched this video, tears filled my eyes and inspired me to share my story with you.

I am usually positive and driven. I try to be a friend to everyone and help others feel comfortable. Yes, my life can be nuts, just like everyone else's but I know what needs to be done and I just do it. I love to have fun and spend time with my family and friends. I am usually outgoing and the one to reach out to others and to try to help anyone who might need me. I don't like to ask for help and I usually stuff my feelings rather than admit there is a problem. So when a bout of major depression hit me last year, my life suddenly felt like it was spiraling out of control.

Fall is always a crazy time for our family. Harvest starts and Matt gets so busy trying to provide for all of us. He harvests prunes and walnuts and cuts rice the whole month of October. We have football, back to school stuff and it feels like, a million things going on. Matt is a rock star dad but during the summer and fall he can't help as much. It's totally understandable. I get more stressed during this time of year than any other time. The last 7 years have always been that way but this last fall, things were different.
It wasn't the normal "harvest widow" stress either. I started feeling like I was sinking and like I wasn't okay. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My self esteem was gone and a dark cloud started to consume me. I felt scared and hopeless.

I have always taken care of family, they are my everything. My husband needed me, my kids needed me. I didn't have time to feel like not getting out of bed but I just couldn't shake whatever it was that was pulling me down. I didn't want to eat. My appetite was completely gone. I tried to force myself to eat because I knew I needed strength to take care of my family. They began to notice that I barely touched my food at dinner. I worried about my girls seeing that example and how it might effect them. I wasn't on a diet or trying to lose weight but they didn't understand why mom wasn't eating. So I tried to fake it the best I could.

My body hurt. I felt weak and so tired all the time. There were so many days that the minute I got the kids to school, I would climb back into bed until it was time to pick them up again. At the last possible minute, I would shower and put my make up on just like everything was fine. They never saw how bad it was.

Matt was working and he could sense something was wrong but I didn't know how to help him understand what I was going through because I didn't understand it myself. I was losing weight rapidly. I had no energy but still kept trying to act like I was okay. When Matt became really concerned I googled, "How to talk to your spouse about your depression", but I couldn't find the right words.

I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to hide in my house and hope the world would just leave me alone. It was the most excruciating feeling of helplessness and hopelessness I have ever experienced in my life. But I kept going. Matt and the kids kept me going. I remember pleading with God for help, to lift this terrible burden from me. But for a while nothing changed.

One morning when I was feeling especially low, I remembered a talk I had heard from Elder Holland, when he spoke of a time in his life that he dealt with depression. I searched for it online, I found it and I read it. It brought comfort to know I wasn't alone but I still didn't feel better. I thought about going to the doctor to get on some sort of medication but I didn't feel good enough to even make an appointment.

A few months of this agony had gone by. I had lost 10 pounds and I looked terrible. People I would see around town who knew me, began to notice and would ask me if I was okay. I would just smile and say "Yes, I'm fine".

It was now November. Matt and I were going to Utah for Thanksgiving. The kids would have to spend the holiday with their dad, which is always so tough for me but we piled in the car anyway and drove to Utah.

Our first stop was my sister's house. I had talked to her a little bit about what I was going through. She could see the sadness in my eyes and she just hugged me and told me it would be okay. I didn't believe her.

My family was so worried about how thin I was. I didn't know what to tell them either so I just kept praying for a miracle.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with my family and it was wonderful. I missed them so much. Utah is so peaceful to me. The beautiful mountains, my family and friends and the familiarity of the amazing place where I grew up. It always made me so happy to be there. But there was still that fog looming over me.

Later that night we went and saw some of Matt's cousins. They are fun, darling human beings who can brighten anyone's day. They brought so much joy to me in the short time we were there. Thenow the following events took place and a miracle happend. It was what I had been praying for.

Here is my facebook post from that night. November 26th, 2015:

        After a wonderful day spent with lots of our family around us, Matt and I decided to do a little shopping then stopped to eat at Denny's. It was the only joint open on Thanksgiving. As we walked in I noticed a homeless man sitting in a booth alone. It was freezing outside! I watched as the waitress brought him some coffee. I continued to watch him without appearing to obvious. I wanted to help him. I started thinking about my day and my heart sunk thinking he was homeless and alone on a day that should be spent with good food and family. I got up and asked the hostess if we could buy him dinner. She told me they were taking care of him and soon she brought him a plate of pancakes, then another when he was done with the first. I could tell he hadn't eaten in a while and it broke my heart. I was grateful for the kindness of the restaurant helping him.

Then a little while later, a girl in her 20's, came in alone and sat behind us. She told the waitress she had just finished a 12 hour shift and she was starving. Soon after she ordered, she stated to cry. I could hear her sobbing. I wanted to talk to her but I kept quiet because I didn't want to invade her privacy. She continued to cry so I finally I couldn't take it anymore and I turned around and asked if she was okay. She said that Thanksgiving was the worst day of the year for her and that she had worked that 12 hours to try to avoid it. I don't know of she had lost a loved one on this day, or why she had such a hard time but I talked to her for a while then patted her shoulder and told her I hoped she felt better.

As we left, Matt gave some money to the waitress for the homeless man. I was so grateful I had said something to the crying girl. It reminded me just how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband, beautiful, healthy children, an amazing extended family to spend my holiday with, and all the comforts of this life.                 

Leaving the restaurant that night, I felt my heavy burden begin to lift, just a little. I started feeling grateful for my beautiful life and all that I had. I started to feel a glimmer of hope.

Then just a few days later a second miracle took place. This was my face book post from our drive home from Utah.

Anytime we drive anywhere, we start the trip with a prayer for safety. Angels were definitely watching over us tonight. 30 minutes outside of Salt Lake we went over a bridge on the freeway and hit black ice. The car was fishtailing back and forth. I saw the guard rail getting closer, so scared we would go over it but miraculously I was able to stay on the road. It felt like someone else took the wheel. I am so grateful we were watched over and protected. So scary!

This doesn't due justice to what I experienced steering our car though that ordeal. We were sliding out of control for what seemed like several minutes. There was a car on my left side, right up until we started to slide and it had magically disappeared. We would have hit it.

I had seen a car on the other side of the freeway that had gone off the road so I had slowed way down prior to hitting the ice. Then when we hit, I knew exactly what to do to keep the suburban on the road. I know with all of my being, I wasn't alone. We were protected and I was amazingly calm during the whole thing.

When the car quit thrashing and the kids quit crying the car was quiet. My mind was filled with peace and I was able to see things in my life, so clearly. The depression and what had caused it became very insignificant. I was still fragile and it would take months to fully heal and recover but that night was a start.

I felt God's love surround me in ways I hadn't before and I knew I would be okay.

It took time to fully grasp what it was that had caused the depression but once I did I was able to make necessary changes in my life to hopefully ensure, that it won't happen again. Those details aren't really important but what I will say is that if there are toxic people in your life who are causing stress or insecurities, it's okay to say goodbye to those people.

I have learned a lot since I went through my battle with depression. I have learned to do the best I can and that is good enough. I have learned when things get overwhelming, to make my world smaller. I've learned to say no and to truly love myself despite my flaws. But most of all, I have leared just how much God and my family love me. With them by my side, I can do anything.

I have shared the link of the video I watched and also this picture taken during that "dark" time. I can see the sadness in my own eyes but it reminds me that even though I was hurting, I was still me and I made it through.

https://youtu.be/IrNqGqy5kbQ

If you have taken the time to read this, Thank you for your love! Your friendship means the world to me.


         

Happiness in Marriage

I love the beginning of a new year! It is such a wonderful time to reflect on life and look at all the wonderful blessings and memories that have been made. It is also the perfect time to focus on new goals and maybe make some changes in our lives. 

My blog posts always stem from questions people ask me. Matt and I have a unique, yet very common situation for these times. We deal with challenges every day with our kids and issues from divorce and blending two families. BUT despite those challenges we have found so much happiness with each other. 

This post is about how we make our marriage strong and how we fall in love with each other more and more every day. It has taken many years of practice, sacrifice and humility to get to where we are today...almost 8 years to be exact but it has been SO worth it. I am so grateful a loving Heavenly Father guided me to my amazing husband who has helped me to love myself again and tells me every day how much he loves and cherishes me. From being "Miss Independent" my ENTIRE life, I have learned it is okay to lean on my husband and allow him to actually take care of me. I hope these things can help you in your marriages and if you are single, don't give up hope. God is so mindful of you and he will bless you with someone amazing if that is your desire. Happy New Year to all of you. I'm so grateful for each of you in my life. 

Here are my Top 10 things we do to have so much joy in our marriage and our family.  

#1. We always put each other first! Matt is my best friend. We laugh together, cry together, and support each other. He is so mindful of my needs and makes a huge effort to see those needs are met, daily. I do the same for him.   

#2. We support each other's dreams and hobbies. Matt loves to hunt and I love to travel. I go to Utah 3 or 4 times a year and Matt is so supportive of that. He hunts...A LOT and I say...go for it! We support each other in all that we do and it makes a huge difference in our relationship.

#3. We put God as the center of our life and our home. We attend church as a family, every Sunday...we never miss. Every night we have family prayer with our kids. Sometimes its all together and sometimes it's in each of their bedrooms but not a night goes by that we don't do this. We also have a family night once a week. For us this is usually on Sunday because of our kids crazy sports schedules, but it is so important. We also have started having a family counsel once a month. This is a time when we discuss issues within our family and let each of our children speak their mind and voice their opinion on the subject. We want them to know they are heard. We pray for protection when we travel and we ask God to protect us and our children, daily. He is why we are together and he is our light and our strength.

#4. We always lift each other up. I have talked before about how "broken" I felt when I met Matt. He felt the same way. But over the years we have helped each other to heal. I can't even count how many times a day, Matt tells me he loves me and how grateful he is to have me in his life. He tells me I am beautiful and thanks me for the things in the house that I DO get done, never putting me down for the things I don't. I tell Matt how much I appreciate how hard he works for our family and for what a wonderful example and father he is to our kids. I tell him he's a hunk and that I'm so blessed to have him in my life. These things are SO important. If you aren't doing them...start! I promise you it will make a huge difference in your marriage.       

#5. We try to be positive. We all have bad days and our kids can drive us crazy. I can definitely be a complainer but we have both tried to be more positive and not let those tough things in life get us down. If someone or something is causing emotional turmoil in your life, get rid of it! Weed those people or things out, set boundaries and find peace. From personal experience, it is liberating and very necessary. Have a glass half full, attitude in your marriage and in your life.

#6. We back each other up...always. I will admit, this has been the toughest one for me. I grew up one way and Matt grew up another. We had two totally different parenting styles when we got married. I thought he was way too tough on the kids and I was definitely not tough enough. Over the years we have found a balance but it is so important to have each others backs, especially in front of the kids. If you disagree, take it to the bedroom and discuss it but let the kids see you are united.

#7. We show respect and teach respect. Lets face it, this world is full of rude, disrespectful people and the age of the disrespect gets younger and younger. In our home we teach kindness and love for others. We respect each other and show that example to our kids. I read something on Facebook not that long ago about what parents would want for their children. One of the questions was "Would you rather have your child to grow up rich or kind. I would chose kindness every time.               

#8. Learn to listen. This one took both of us a long time to master. We have learned over the years that sometimes our spouse just needs to talk. We can't always fix it or don't need to, but we need to listen to each other and have empathy and kindness for whatever the issue is. This pertains to our children and others in our lives as well. 

#9. Always be honest. When I married Matt I was a "stuffer". I had been hurt a lot in my life so instead of talking about my feelings I would just stuff them deep inside to protect myself. I wasn't really being dishonest but I didn't share my true feelings sometimes for a fear of feeling to vulnerable or getting hurt. Matt has helped me to trust again and we are honest with each other, even if its not always what we might want to hear. 

#10. Just cherish each other.  I have mentioned many times in posts that when I was single, that I would always pray for someone who would "cherish" me. The definition of cherish means to: protect and care for, lovingly, to hold dear and to keep in one's mind. Matt is my angel in this regard. He does all of the previous 9 things but more than that, he truly cherishes me as his wife. 

I talk to a lot of people, everyday, who have gone through, or are going through trials in their lives. Quite a few, recently, have told me of the challenges they are having in their marriages. Some are talking about divorce and others are just very unhappy. It makes me so sad to hear this. I don't know all the answers but I do know that marriage takes a lot of hard work. Yes, Matt and I are very happy but a fairy godmother didn't just wave a magic wand and poof...we are eternally happy. It takes work! We have struggles just like everyone else. There are days we drive each other crazy. There are many times we don't agree. It really has taken almost 8 years for us to learn how to communicate and how to have the kind of marriage we have always wanted. 

These 10 things are from trial and error but I know they work. Make the effort to nurture your relationships. It's not hard, you might have to swallow your pride and forgive but you can do it! I hope something I have shared can help you too. I would love to hear anything that works for you! May you have a wonderful 2016.                  
                                 

Changing the world with just one word...RESPECT

I am not the most eloquent writer and by no means do I even pretend to have all the answers to many of life's tough questions. I do however, feel very deeply and think often about things that I wish I had the power to change.  

So many issues of major controversy have been splashed over the pages of social media lately. They have been broadcast on the news and over the radio. You all know what they are so there is no point for me rehash them. Besides those issues, we hear daily about police officers being shot, innocent victims losing their lives, riots breaking out, children disappearing or being abused, terrorist attacks and the list goes on and on. 

Just in my own community I have witnessed road rage, people screaming at each other at my children's sporting events, people bad mouthing others on social media, teachers getting yelled at by parents and students and that list continues. I know there is still goodness in this crazy world, I witness that as well but more and more there seems to be less compassion, less human kindness....and much less RESPECT for each other. I firmly believe that if we could just learn to respect each other again, the world could be such a different and much better place.    

The supreme court ruled that gay marriage is now legal. Do I agree with it? That isn't what this is about. I have family members who are gay and because of that I "respect" and love them. It doesn't matter if I agree, I just choose to love and show respect to them as a person. When the umpire at my boys baseball game makes a bad call do I have to agree with that? No, but I respect the call.  

Stop for a minute and think about all of the situations we are faced with daily. Is it really worth it to scream and swearing at someone over a parking spot or if they cut you off on the freeway? What are we teaching our kids? Why can't we just let it go and move on. Have there been times when I have lost it or not acted how I wished I would have?... Absolutely! We have all been there! But if our society could just take a minute and step back when faced with any frustrating situation and remember that one word "respect", I know it would make so much difference in our own lives and the lives of others.

Respect each other in your families, respect those in the schools, respect others at church, respect authority figures, respect strangers, respect the law, respect God and his laws and most of all respect yourself. 

My favorite holiday is the 4th of July. Every year I always watch a parade, on the day that we celebrate our freedom. As the flag goes by, my heart sinks, as more and more people don't even stand to show respect for our country. Things need to change and I hope this insignificant, yet heart felt blog post, might inspire you or someone out there to start now. Be a little more respectful to those around you and encourage others to do the same. Thank you for taking a minute to read this. Together, we really can make a difference.    
             

My Valentine!

Okay so this is a day late. With 8 kids running a zillion different directions, its bound to happen. I decided that with this post I want to get really personal. I'm going to talk about some things that have been very difficult for me but I think they are worth sharing. This is my love story, my fairy tale, and I am so grateful to be where I am right now, in my life.

People often comment about Matt and I and how much they love to see us so happy. Thanks to Facebook and the things we share about our lives, people have watched our love story unfold. I will be the first to say that even though we are very happy together, it hasn't always been easy. We started out with 8 children, when most newlyweds just have each other. We faced lots of challenges in the beginning. We had to learn how to communicate, how to blend, how to look past each others faults and the big one was, how to overcome the baggage that we both brought from our previous marriages. But I can honestly say, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, thanks to a man who has "just loved me".

After my divorce, I was completely broken. The details of what I went through are not something I want to discuss but my self esteem was shattered because of things I experienced and I didn't feel worthy of anything, especially love. I found myself dating people who were needy or a "project" as my mom would say. I didn't feel like I deserved any better. I know I was being watched over during that time and God sent an angel into my life. He was a counselor named Roger Mckenzie. Roger helped me begin to heal but the most important thing he taught me was to start believing that I had great worth and that I deserved someone who was "worthy of me" as he put it. This was a hard concept for me to grasp. It took a lot of prayer and tears to even have a glimpse that I was of worth at all, during that time in my life but I began to pray to find someone who would "cherish" me. Every time I would pray, I would use that word "cherish". Little did know, God heard my prayers and I was blessed with exactly that.

Matthew David Little came into my life in May of 2008. I had been divorced a little over a year and I was ready to find love again. I remember the first time I came to California. It was in June, and we had been e-mailing and talking on the phone for about 3 weeks. I flew to Sacramento and this tall, handsome guy was waiting at the airport for me. When I first saw him, I started to run and gave him a hug, then he twirled me, just like in a movie. On the hour drive from Sacramento to Gridley, we sang to the radio, talked and laughed, just like we had known each other for years. I was so scared to let myself fall for this guy who lived 2 states away, from everything and everyone I knew. I understood how hard it would be to move with 5 little kids to a foreign land...ha ha...but I took a leap of faith and that leap paid off. A month later we were married and I have never looked back.

From the very beginning, Matt has told me daily how beautiful I am. He never complains about the things I don't get done but always praises me for the things I do. It's amazing what happens when you hear things like "Thank you for making our bed everyday, I feel like I live in a hotel", and "Wow, I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you for my wife" and "How did I ever find you"? My self esteem started to improve. I started to feel worth something again. Matt would make sure we went on dates, usually, weekly. He would help me with the kids and back me up every time. He spent time with our kids and taught them important things. Matt also recognized when I needed a break. He would tell me to go and get a "diet sprite" (a line from the movie "Date Night") and to take as long as I needed. I have been able to go on "girl trips" when Matt has taken care of things at home. We have traveled together, prayed together, laughed A LOT together, finished each other's sentences, hundreds of times and had more fun than I ever thought possible. I can honestly say that he is my best friend! Through his unconditional love and the way that he has "cherished" me, I am whole again. I am so grateful to be given this second chance with such an amazing man by my side. He is my Valentine! Not just on February 14th but every day of the year. I am so in love and wanted the whole world to know it! I love you hot stuff!!!!!!

                                

Finding Joy in the Crazy!

Well this is us! My huge, amazing, beautiful family! My name is Melanie and I'm the one in the middle, next to that handsome tall guy. This was our "Be yourself" family photo from last year. Hence, I'm holding a  microphone because I love to sing. Music is my passion and my sanity. I am the mom and the GLUE that holds us all together. This is my story!

 It still amazes me that at some point in my life, only 14 short years ago, to be exact, none of this seemed possible. Back then, I suffered from stage 4 endometriosis and infertility. The disease had attacked my reproductive organs as well as my colon and other vital organs. I went through several procedures and surgeries in a desperate attempt to become pregnant. I was a mess both physically and mentally because becoming a mom, was all I ever wanted.

Fast forward to present day and all I can say now is "Be careful what you pray for people" because wall-a! I'm definitely a mom and a very blessed one at that!

I am asked, almost daily "How do you do it" with all those kids? How do you keep up and always seem so happy? Kind people have said I am amazing and they admire me. They are very sweet but really I am just like all of you...trying to do my best and trust me I fall short quite often.

 So today I am taking a minute to write down 8 things that have helped me to be happy in my life. Like any mother out there we all have challenges, good days and bad but hopefully I can help you find joy in your crazy by sharing what I have learned in mine.

1. Look for Miracles Every Day: I consider many things miracles. These are the tender mercies from God that show me he is there and that he loves me. My oldest three children who are adopted, my IVF twins, my wonderful husband and his three kids, who I now love as my own; they are my biggest miracles! I love people and to me, they are all miracles. I consider everyone I meet a friend. When I am put in someones path to help them, that is a miracle. Sunsets, flowers, mountains, the beauty of this world...all miracles. I love the funny things my kids say, the way my husband "gets me" and the blessing of this life...miracles. Find them in your own life, write them down and cherish them. When life gets you down, remember them. They will get you through the tough times. 

2. Set priorities and stick to them: Infertility has taught me a great lesson about what is important and what is not. I was a career woman for many years and staying home full time didn't come natural or easy to me. It was essential for me to have the trial of infertility to learn what was important to me. I don't work outside the home. Obviously! I wouldn't have time! I'm not saying its the right choice for everyone but it is for me. My family definitely comes first! I spend my days at ball games, track meets, dance recitals, church functions, and school events. I choose to be excited and happy that I can be there for my kids. They are my #1 priority.

3. Take time for yourself: Just because my family is my 1st priority, doesn't mean I can't take time for myself. Finding a healthy balance in everything we do, is key. Most things are small, like getting ready for the day...everyday. Yes, I am prissy, so hair, make up and clothes help me feel good and I take the time each day to do that for myself. I have amazing friends who I play "Bunko" with a once month. It does wonders for the soul! My husband is my best friend and we read scriptures together at night, watch movies together and have a weekly date night. So important! I also love to travel so we make it a point to go on a few small trips together, alone, each year to recharge our honeymoon batteries ;). By taking care of yourself you can conquer anything.

4. With God, nothing is impossible: We are not expected to do this on our own! Daily, I turn to our loving Heavenly Father for help. He will lift our burdens, give us strength beyond measure and bless us in ways we never thought possible. All we need to do is ask. Becoming humble and submissive to His will wasn't something I was born with. I am actually quite stubborn, so this has taken a lot of practice. If I can do it, anyone can! My favorite scripture is found in Proverbs 3: 5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths". By submitting our will for the things He knows are best for us, will always bring us true happiness.  

5. Serve Others: My life motto consists of 3 things: Be quick to forgive, do not be easily offended and do something kind for some else everyday. These are usually very small and simple things, like holding the door open for someone or giving a stranger a smile. I call my family or send texts to friends to let them know I care. We never know when we will be an answer to someone else's prayer so reach out to others as often as possible. Most of my service however, is centered around my family. I want to make sure that each of our children grow up feeling special and loved. I check them out of school for lunch, leave notes in their backpacks, make sure their uniforms are washed for game days and I tell them often how proud I am of them and that I love them.  These are the little things that will matter most.

6. Learn from your Experiences: Have you ever heard the saying :"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got"? For heavens sake...If something isn't working for you...change it! Find a system for your family that works, then stick with it. Have bed times, rules, work together, have meals together when possible and also set time aside for family activities and down time. Trials will come, they are a part of life but learn and grow from them instead of letting them get you down. Remember, don't take life too seriously! Have fun along the way!   

7. It's Okay to ask for help!: There are days I have to get 3 kids to 3 different places, all at the same time. Lets face it people, just because I dressed up like Wonder Woman last year for Halloween, doesn't mean I am. It really does take a village to raise a child so find YOUR village with family, friends and community members and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. On the flip side, always offer to help in return when you can. This is important. Also...please realize it is okay to say "No". If you are asked to help with something and you can't because you are completely overwhelmed, be honest and respectfully decline. It will save you and others from a lot of unnecessary stress. Let people help you and be grateful for their help. You don't have to do this alone!

8. Find Joy in Your Crazy: Whether you have one child or 10, life can be crazy! Lets face it we live in a busy world. The key is "finding joy" in your own circumstances. Every Saturday from August to November, I sit at football games for 6 hours in over 100 degree heat. My body is wacko and it despises the heat. I get light headed and dizzy and it drains my energy. BUT I love sports...thanks Dad... and I love watching my boys play so I let that happiness I feel, outweigh the rest. Life is all about attitude. If we choose happiness, we will be happy. Yes, we will have STUFF, everyday, that will be hard but decide now to be happy. Work at it, pray for it, ask for help and above all else, love yourself and circumstances and find joy in the little things. I hope you all have a beautiful day!         

            

Divorce...Holidays..Acceptance and Joy

     For the past 7 years, my holidays have definitely changed. AND, might I add, the strings that are attached to divorce are pretty crappy! Before I chose to get divorced, I thought long and hard about the changes that would inevitably take place, especially when it came to holidays. I was willing to accept these changes, but nothing can prepare you for how it feels to spend Christmas with no children.
      In all divorce cases, custody is generally shared on holidays. Each case may be a little different but in our case, every other year, we have no kids for Christmas. Mine are actually gone the entire Christmas break. These are the years that are really tough! 
     The so called "Christmas Spirit" has a hard time finding it's way into my heart and mind on these years. I do my best by; try to bring joy to others through service, I send out our annual Christmas Card...my favorite, I attend concerts, decorate the tree and do anything I can, that helps me feel that "feeling" that should preside at Christmas time, but no matter what, it's not the same.
     I could write a novel on how pathetically sad I get and how hard it really is for me, but instead, I will briefly share how I make it though the heartache with the help of my amazing husband and the ability to find joy despite my sorrow.
    I am a pretty lucky girl to be married to my best friend. He understands how tough it is to wake up on Christmas morning to an empty house SO every year he takes me on vacation! Yes, I am spoiled but I am so grateful for Matt and how he takes such great care of me.
     We've been on a cruise, stayed in a condo in Utah so I could have snow on Christmas Eve, and this year we are in sunny Santa Barbara! Our life is so hectic and busy most of the year so I'm grateful for some relaxation and alone time with my sweet husband. I am so blessed to have him in my life!

     I look for the magic in the Christmas lights people spend their time putting up, I listen to the wonderful songs that sing about Santa Claus and Silent nights and I reflect often on Christ and the sacrifice he made for me.
     I have definitely had to get tougher and retrain my heart to accept what I cannot change but it really makes me appreciate the years we do have the kids. I guess it all comes down to attitude, acceptance and looking forward to the day that we get to celebrate Christmas with all of our beautiful children. It might not be December 25th, but whatever day it is, it's Christmas day for us. I'm also grateful that they see themselves as one big family and they want to wait for each other to open gifts together. I am pretty dang proud of our kids and I am so blessed to be their momma.
     So for those of you who deal with shared custody on holidays, I love you, I understand what you're going through and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Count your many blessings, serve others and cherish all you have. I know it's tough but you can do this. Muah!!!

When God knows better than we do.

     In junior high and high school I had dreams, Big Dream! I wanted to be a fashion designer, a physical therapist, a singer, a model and maybe even an actress. Yes, I wanted to get married and maybe someday be a mom. But I always thought I would have 2 kids, maybe 3 tops! Ha ha ha, that is pretty funny in hindsight. I was a free spirit who loved adventure. Dancing into the wee hours of the morning, sleeping out all night on the sidewalk to get tickets to the next concert, laughing until it hurt while hanging out at the mall with my girlfriends, were top priorities on my list. I also loved to travel and still do. Seeing new places and learning new things, flying to far away destinations, awesome! I also worked hard! I was "Miss Independent" and had a job at 14. I liked having my own money and my freedom. But as I grew up and started to see life in a different light, my priorities began to change. 
     I read a blog today that inspired me to share my thoughts on this subject. It was about a lady who had her seven children 

with her at the grocery store and what she wish she would have said to the insensitive, guy behind her. He looked at her children, asked if they were ALL hers and then said that he felt sorry for her. I can't tell you the rude and hurtful comments that I have had over the years. But I have also many wonderful ones as well. 

     Mattie, Max and Chance all came to me within 2 years. So I would trudge off to the store with a, barely 2 year old and 2 babies in carriers. It was usually chaos and I would hear things like 'Wow, you've got your hand full" and " Are all these kids are yours, you've been busy". I even had a lady rudely look at me and say "Oh my gosh, bing, bing, bing". I wanted to punch her lights out but instead I didn't say a word. What I wish I would have said is this, "Yes, they are all mine and they are all adopted. I can't have children and I am so grateful to be a mom!" When the twins came along, 3 years later it was even worse, and then I added 3 more kids to my family through my marriage to Matt. So you can imagine the array of things I have heard over the years. 
      Matt and I like to take them all on outings and expect the "great" comments we get, like, "OMG are these ALL your kids?" After telling them yes, I get things back, like "Well God bless you". That was actually my favorite, but for the most part it has been things like, "You gave birth to 8 kids!!" "I don't know how you do it". "I'm so glad I'm not you" and "You must be really busy." Most of the time I want to say "Do you think??? But I refrain and just smile most of or say that I am very blessed. Yes we are busy, yes it's very trying and messy and crazy and a million other things but it's also amazing!
     Infertility wasn't just a trial for me, it was a time for learning. I learned a huge amount of patience and long suffering, tools that God knew l would need in the future. I learned that I can love any child, no matter how they got here. I look at all of my children the same. Adopted, biological or my three newest additions, I honestly love them all to pieces!! I learned how to be unselfish and how to serve. I learned that there are more important things in life than all of those things that used to matter to me. Yes, I still go on adventures, I still love to sing and dance and travel but those things are minuscule, compared to the joy and happiness my children and my husband bring to my life. 
     So to those who might look at my life and feel sorry for me...well the joke is on them because I am right where I want to be. I chose this life and I was prepared for it by a loving Father in Heaven who knows me better than I even know myself. He sent me to this earth strong, stubborn and determined. He knew I would do whatever it took to help these 8 beautiful spirits, hopefully achieve greatness and become amazing human beings. I want them to know how to love, how to help others, how to treat others with kindness but most of all how to become the people that God knows they can be. 
     I may not ever get enough sleep, make it to Australia, London, or Italy ( all on my bucket list) or ever be caught up on laundry but when I watch my kids play sports, cheer at a game, play their instrument, dance, sing, draw and pray, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. For all of you mom's out there, you are amazing!